Pam Lipe, M.S., Licensed Psychologist
When your partner spends most of their waking hours engaged in work (either on the phone or computer)
or in the office or plant, it can leave you feeling isolated and resentful. You may feel like the burden of the
household and children has been placed on your shoulders when you thought the two of you were a team and
would balance responsibilities together.
As a psychologist who has worked for 20 years counseling couples in my therapy practice in North St.
Paul, MN, many times I see the wife who feels abandoned and the husband who is working too many hours.
This was the complaint that Amy had when she came in with her husband Josh. She was critical of him and
focused on his behaviors that she wanted him to eliminate. She didn’t like him attending evening meetings,
taking cell-phone calls during dinner, or taking work related e-mails during family vacations. She further
criticized him as a thoughtless husband and selfish father because he put his work first. She went on to
compare him to her father who was “always” home in the evenings and “never shirked” his duties as a father.
You might well imagine that Josh became quite defensive in his response to Amy and even began to
attack her abilities as a mother. He was mad at her and felt misunderstood and devalued. She was mad at
him also feeling misunderstood and devalued. Their feelings and experience of the situation appeared to be
the only thing they could agree on.
Amy had a legitimate complaint but she wasn’t getting her point across which ended up making things
worse in the long run and leaving her in a continued state of loneliness and resentment. We met for an
individual session and I coached her with the following questions:
1. What does Josh’s absence mean to you?
2. What positive things do you miss about Josh when he is gone so much?
3. What are you longing for in terms of emotional, physical, intellectual, or spiritual connection
with him?
In our discussion, she came to realize she was beginning to doubt herself in her own parenting skills. With
a 3-year old and a 9-month old, she was feeling overworked and inadequate. She missed Josh’s easy
manner with their children which helped her enjoy the children even though she was feeling tired and
overwhelmed. She said she was longing for the emotional connection they had always had in the past. She
also missed his physical presence in sharing the physical work of caring for the 2 children. I assured her that
most parents would begin to doubt themselves and their parenting with the responsibility of tending to 2
children, a household, and a 40-hour job which she had been doing. I assured her that her concerns were
legitimate.
I suggested she talk to Josh again but this time talking to him about what she longs for and what she wants
as opposed to what she doesn’t like or doesn’t want. I told her it’s okay to complain about being overworked
but not to criticize his abilities as a person or father. I also suggested she not triangle in her father, but to
speak to Josh directly about her concerns. When the couple returned the next week, Amy said she had been
able to explain her needs and situation to Josh in a positive manner. She felt he had heard her concerns and
was much less defensive. They were beginning to talk about what responsibilities he could take off her
shoulders. He said he was trying to figure out how he could manage his work schedule better. He reminded
her that he wasn’t sure he’d be able to make any changes at all. They exchanged a warm smile. They had not
made any decisions about the problem but they had been able to talk about the problem. Amy was less
critical and Josh could hear her concerns better. See my related article to see how Josh handled his side of
the problem.
Resource Box:
Pam Lipe, M.S., Licensed Psychologist, has been a psychotherapist for over 20 years. She specializes in
couples counseling and studied with Drs. John & Julie Gottman in Seattle, Washington. She and her husband
(Don Johnson) teach a Better Marriage Class that helps couples find the love and warmth they want in their
relationship. This class teaches easy-to-use communication skills and other techniques to improve the quality
of your relationship. You can find her listed on www.MarriageFriendlyTherapists.com. You can also connect
with her at www.PamLipe.com.
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Copyright, Pam Lipe, M.S., Licensed Psychologist, All Rights Reserved.
www.PamLipe.com or 651-470-5174. North St. Paul, MN Page 1
What to Say When Your Spouse Works Too Much
(3 Important Questions for You)
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