What do you do when you find out your new love turns out to be unreasonable,
inconsiderate, and selfish? And can’t accept your well meaning feedback?
By Pamela Lipe, MS
Licensed Psychologist
Have you begun to notice that your partner is more selfish than you ever thought? Does it seem like she
will never understand you. Does it feel like he’s being inconsiderate and even treating you poorly?
It’s not uncommon for us to see our beloved partner in a less favorable light after we get married or move in
together. When we are courting, we not only try to show our partner our best side but we also don’t really
notice the “down side” of our partner. But as the relationship progresses and we become more intimate, the
negative aspects of our partner become more apparent. In addition, we can become convinced that our
partner is the one who really has the problem with some sort of dysfunction. We clearly know that we do not
have that dysfunction. We don’t notice our own dysfunction which may be causing even more problems than
what our partner is doing. So both partners begin to feel like their partner is selfish, immature and at fault.
The other person needs to shape up, grow up and measure up. We become more and more intolerant of
our partner’s selfishness, inability to understand us, and seeming rigidity.
So we start looking at our relationship in a negative light. We begin to think that we made a bad choice. We
think we are stuck because we’ve tried everything we can think of to get the other person to see it our way
and make a few changes.
In his book, Emotional Intelligence in Couples Therapy, 2005, Brent Atkinson says that people who want to
succeed at love need certain interpersonal abilities. Researchers have discovered that the way people
respond when they feel misunderstood or mistreated by their partners dramatically influences the odds that
their partners will treat them better or worse in the future. These studies further suggest that people can
drastically shape the way their partners treat them by making sure that they are responding well to the things
their partners do or say that are upsetting them right now. So you need to be able to treat your partner with
respect precisely at those times that she/he is making it most difficult. In addition, if you want your partner to
treat you better, you need to think and act like a person who usually gets treated well by a partner.
We all have the ability to do this on some occasions. The challenge is to be successful at getting
respect and admiration from your partner even when you feel really misunderstood or mistreated. Atkinson
further states: “If people can’t stay on track in these times, they are probably not going to be among those
who end up with partners who understand, respect, and care about them.” Therefore, marital success has
more to do with responding well when one’s partner seems selfish or inconsiderate than it has to do with
avoiding actually being selfish or inconsiderate in the first place.
You need to become more concerned about how you respond to the upsetting things that your partner
says or does than the actual behaviors that you find upsetting in your partner.
So, the next time you see your partner do a selfish act or misunderstand you, notice your reaction. Are
you reacting in a manner of respect and calm? When your partner is doing or saying something that is
upsetting, can you stand up for what you want without putting the other person down?
Research on intimate relationships tells us that the time we spend focusing on our own behavior is more
important than focusing on getting our spouse to see the error of their ways. When your partner is at his/her
worst, can you be at your best? Try this for a few days or weeks. Observe yourself when your partner is
acting in that selfish or obtuse way you so dislike. Act like a person who deserves respect, admiration and
consideration. Try it; you’ll like.
Copyright, Pam Lipe, MS, Licensed Psychologist, All Rights Reserved--North St. Paul, MN
651-470-5174 or www.RelationshipTherapyStPaul.com or PamLipe@yahoo.com