How to Talk to Your Spouse who Complains that you Work Too Much.
By Pam Lipe, MS
Licensed Psychologist
Strong marriages and relationships require attention from both partners. This balance of attention to
spouse versus earning a living or furthering your career can be difficult to find. And, once you’ve found a
balance that works in your relationship, things change and you have to find the balance again.
Why do some people “overwork?” The Overworking Spouse may be under considerable stress on the job, or
may have a boss that demands long hours. Or maybe there are layoffs coming up and the less productive
workers are the first to go. Maybe one partner has to work long hours just to support the family. On the other
hand, the overworking spouse may be strongly identifying with career advancement to the exclusion of the
marriage. Of course, we should be involved in work that is worthwhile, fulfilling and financially rewarding but
over focus can put the marriage at risk.
What can happen when you put your work/career first? Your spouse may be feeling emotionally
disconnected from you and lonely. There may be a buildup of resentment which can lead to anger and finally
bitterness—towards you. This situation often leads to unhappiness and discord for the entire family.
As a psychologist who has worked for 20 years counseling couples in my therapy practice in North St. Paul, MN,
I met with Amy and Josh with just this complaint. Amy was complaining that she was overburdened because
Josh worked too much and left her with the responsibilities of home, children, and her own 40-hour job. He
knew she was right but he felt defensive when she tried to tell him how to manage his work schedule. He’d
started complaining that when wasn’t very affectionate lately and always blamed her disinterest in their physical
intimacy on fatigue. He asked to meet with me individually after Amy had had a session to talk about her “side
“of the problem. He was appreciative that she was not as “naggy” as she had been in the past, but he still felt
blamed and criticized.
When Josh and I met, we talked of the reasons that he was spending so much time at work. The usual
reasons people overwork is that they are feeling under considerable stress on the job, or may have a boss that
demands long hours. Or maybe there are layoffs coming up and the less productive works are the first to go.
Maybe one partner has to work long hours just to support the family. On the hand, the overworking spouse may
be strongly identifying with career advancement to the exclusion of the marriage.
Drs. John and Julie Gottman, in their book 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, suggest the following
questions:
1. What does your work mean to you?
2. What pleasure or satisfaction does work bring to you?
3. What need does working fulfill in your life?
4. Does your work related to some personal legacy you would like to contribute to the world?
In a discussion with Josh, he pointed out that he was trying to make headway in his career now, while he
was still young and had the energy. He knew his wife was doing a good job parenting their two small children (3
years and 9 months) so he wanted to focus on earning good money for his family. At first, he couldn’t
understand why Amy was complaining so much because he was doing all this work for her and their children.
He felt it was his responsibility. He wanted to provide his children with a fund for their education.
I suggested he consider the questions listed above. He said that his work is very satisfying in that he felt very
confident and capable at work. He also wanted to meet his father’s expectations who had had a successful
career. His older two brothers had moved from job to job and he knew his father was disappointed that they
had difficulty supporting their families.
It was important for Josh to understand the underlying reasons for his excessive hours at work. He didn’t
have a demanding boss and he was in no threat of a layoff. He just wanted to “do the right thing.” He had not
thought of himself as having value over and above that of a worker and wage earner. He resigned himself to
have a discussion with Amy. He said he would try to listen carefully about what Amy was longing for when she
complained to him. I suggested he try to imagine the experiences she wanted to have with him and not to focus
on her criticisms.
When Amy and Josh came for the next couple’s session, they wanted to further discuss the overworking
situation. (They no longer saw the problem as residing inside one of them but as a problem the two of them
need to figure out.) Any was able to explain to him what she missed when he work so much. He came to get a
sense that his contribution to their family was not solely a financial responsibility. He heard her tell him he was
also loved, appreciated, and needed as a friend, confidant and co-parent. She especially enjoyed his easy
humor with their children and felt he was the only one who would be able to provide that.
This was a difficult issue for this couple and it was not resolved quickly. They were able to discuss their
needs and wants in a different way when they addressed the questions about the underlying reasons for their
positions.
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Copyright, Pam Lipe, M.S., Licensed Psychologist, All Rights Reserved. www.PamLipe.com
651-470-5174. North St. Paul, MN