Are Financial Problems Threatening Your Marriage?
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by Pam Lipe, MS, Licensed Psychologist
Are you and your spouse worried about what’s happening with your savings, your pension,
your children’s college funds, or just staying employed? The Dow Jones is under 10,000 and
European banks sound as shaky as the US banks. Do you find yourself fearful of your futures
together? Do you find yourselves disagreeing with your partner about how to weather this
financial meltdown? Do you find yourselves arguing because one of you makes more money and
feels like they have more control over how money is spent? When money gets tight as a result of
reduced income or increased mortgage payments and is combined with financial fears of the
future, those old money arguments (my money vs. your money) may be causing you problems
again. It is time for the two of you to have discussions again about money.
In his book Love & Money, Jeff Opdyke says: “It’s not really about the money. It’s about
creating another level of intimacy in your relationship and bestowing trust on each other.” He
further recommends joint accounts for couples which explicitly demonstrates the trust you have
with your spouse.
When we keep secrets from our spouse about how much we make, how we spend money, or
even how much money we have, this indicates a measure of distrust in the other person. When
times are tough like now, you need to trust and have faith in your legal and romantic partner. All
your money and all your debts are consider joint by the state. If you are not considering them
joint, you are losing out. You lose resources that your partner brings to solving financial
problems. You lose a feeling of honesty about yourself. And you lose some ability to manage
your family finances in the best way possible.
If the two of you are not quite ready to combine your accounts, at least try to agree on and be
committed to the following:
1. Agree to live within your means, so that expenses do not exceed your income.
2. Agree to open, honest communication about money.
3. Promise not to blame one another, judge each other, or keep secrets about money.
4. Be prepared to listen to your partner and understand their perspective.
You both need to be fully aware of the family gross and net income, to know where household
(and individual) money goes each month and to know how much debt you have and the interest
costs you are paying.
If you are unable to have a frank and open discussion about your money with your spouse,
you may benefit from seeing a marriage counselor. The National Registry of Marriage Friendly
Therapists (www.marriagefriendlytherapist.com) is a good resource for finding a therapist who is
invested in helping you save your marriage. If you are unable to curb your spending, you might
consider Debtors Anonymous, an organization for people trying to reduce debt and regain
solvency. If you need a housing counselor or help with your mortgage, go to the web site of the US
Department of Housing and Urban Development (www.hud.gov) and click on the Hope for
Homeowners link.
It’s important to realize you are not alone. Many couples and families are struggling. Don’t
let your marriage be a casualty of the worst financial disaster most of us have ever seen. You and
your spouse are in this together. Get the help you need to keep your marriage stable and safe.
Copyright, Pam Lipe, M.S., Licensed Psychologist, All Rights Reserved—North St. Paul, MN 651-
470-5174 or www.RelationshipTherapyStPaul.
com