Can a Trial Separation (in the same house) Help Your Marriage?
By Pam Lipe, MS, LP
Are you tired of all the marital arguing and want it to stop? Are you thinking about a separation but are not
sure how to pull it off without making things worse? Do you feel like you just need a break from all the tension?
At times like this, some couples decide to separate—either formally, legally, or “in-house.” In an effort to
save a troubled marriage, a separation can be useful if done with agreement between both spouses and a high
degree of respect (even when you are angry).
In Lee Raffel’s book, “Should I Stay or Go?,” she reviews specific steps couples can take that will enhance
the probability that their marriage will be saved. She refers to this as a Controlled Separation. She tells the
stories of couples who have successfully separated in order to repair the relationship, learn new skills, and
enter back into the relationship with a new mindset and optimism. Both partners need to be committed to
change, compromise, and self examination. The reward is a much improved marriage and avoidance of
painful and costly divorce.
This article is not about the legal or financial aspects of separation but is about the psychological and
emotional issues and how to stay focused on getting a good outcome for an “in-house” separation. The two of
you need to agree on why you are taking the separation and how long it will last. You need to both recognize
that your marriage is on the brink and drastic changes are needed. Keep an open mind. Slow down the
decision making. Other issues that need to be resolved—what part of the house is his or hers. Are you going
to tell family or friends? Do you continue splitting chores up between the two of you in the same way. If the
holidays are coming up, do you attend as a family? Are you going to be sexually intimate? Do you eat dinner
together? Do you talk to each other when you pass each other in the house?
The following are some reasons that couples cite for taking a controlled, in-house separation:
A stop to the fighting
A time to cool off
Time to determine your next course of action
An opportunity to see how you feel about the relationship
Time to reflect on your responsibility in making the marriage go sour
You don’t have the money for a formal separation
The following are some inappropriate reasons for a separation. These reasons will only make things worse:
You want to avoid working on problems
You want to punish your spouse
You are trying to make a point to your spouse that you are unhappy
You do not know how to say “no” to sex
If you think you would benefit from an in-house separation, both you and your spouse should read this
article. Both of you will need to act in good faith as you call this truce. Your first step is to establish some
ground rules that the two of you can agree on. Establish a time frame—1 to 4 weeks—at which time the two of
you will renegotiate. Make an attempt to understand the reasons your spouse wants a separation. If you do
not want a separation, be clear about your concerns that things may get worse. These should all be written
down which will help you stay focused. Get marriage counseling if you feel you can’t manage the details of a
separation on your own. If you are not sure where to go for counseling, check out www.
MarriageFriendlyTherapist.com which is a unique, pro-commitment marriage counseling resource.
You can find a therapist in your area to help you save the best of your marriage.
Copyright, Pam Lipe, M.S., Licensed Psychologist, All Rights Reserved—North St. Paul, MN 651-
470-5174 or www.RelationshipTherapyStPaul.com
My practice of marriage counseling, trauma, depression, and anxiety treatment serves the following communities: Maplewood, Woodbury, North St.
Paul, Saint Paul, Oakdale, Roseville, Stillwater, Hudson, Afton, Lakeville, and other Eastern Suburbs of the Twin Cities, Minnesota and Western
Wisconsin