Pamela Lipe, MS,Licensed Psychologist
Somehow you have ended up on the wrong side of the “whose fault was it” argument with your
spouse. You know it was your fault but you have lots of really good reasons why you acted like you
did. Plus, you were well intentioned and actually only said those things because your partner needed to
hear them. Nonetheless, you can see that there is a breach in the relationship and if you don’t do a
repair, you are not going to like the icy silence or hot reproachful words that come back. So, it is time for
an apology—to eat crow, “fess up,” or bow low to ask for a pardon.
Actually, I find myself in this position more than I like to admit. In all honesty, I don’t like to
apologize. Sometimes, I have trouble getting my attitude right so my words don’t sound very sincere.
At other times, I simply do not think I’m the one in the wrong. I will begin to list the ways I am right,
with sound reasons, wonderful logic, and a clear sense of righteousness on my side. As you might guess,
that doesn’t work either.
As a marriage counselor, I have learned the art of apology from my clients and from my training.
None of this came natural for me. I have learned to take several deep breaths and tell myself to listen to
what my husband’s concerns are before I respond. Over the years, I have learned to stop providing all
the really good reasons why, in fact, I am not wrong because sometimes I am wrong.
Then I remind myself of the ABC’s of an apology.
Always Be Calm: Take several deep breaths and remember what’s at stake. Calming your nervous
system and reducing your heart rate will help keep you from blurting out something you’ll regret later.
Hearing your partner and thinking about the validity of their statements is so much easier if you are calm.
Avoid Being Critical: While it is natural to think of all those times your partner has been wrong, this is
not the time to bring them up. Heaping criticism onto your partner will only confuse the issue and cause
tension to increase.
Accept Blame Civilly: Be gracious and humble. Use those polite words your mom always wanted you to
use.
Here are some examples:
1. I really blew that one. Let me try it again.
2. Oops! How can I make things better?
3. Let me start over again. I think I went too far.
4. I really don’t want to be bossy with you. I can see how I came across that way. Sorry.
5. Look, your feelings are important to me. I shouldn’t have said what I said. I hope we are
OK now.
And lastly, be kind to yourself. It’s OK to be wrong sometimes. John Wooden, basketball’s coaching
legend and Hall of Famer, led the Bruins at UCLA to 88 consecutive winning games. But he knew that
one of the secrets of success is to be accepting of failure as well. He famously said: “If you're not making
mistakes, then you're not doing anything.”
The ABC's of Apologizing to Your Spouse
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My practice serves the following communities: Maplewood, Woodbury, North St. Paul, Saint Paul, Oakdale, Roseville, Stillwater, Hudson, Afton,
Lakeville, and other Eastern Suburbs of the Twin Cities, Minnesota and Western Wisconsin